Any funny poems in your mind...

[Diablo]

Hey do you guys know any funny poems? That´s what I found: :grngrin:

"May you live as long as you want to;
May you want to as long as you live.
If I'm asleep when you want to, wake me;
If I'm awake and don't want to, make me.
Here's to you, I'm glad that I metcha,
And now that I met you, I'm glad that I letcha,
And now that I letcha, I betcha I'd letcha again.

Here's to the drink that creates fire,
Here's to the drink that creates desire.
Not the kind that burns down shanties,
But the kind that burns down panties.

Here's to the qirl in the little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze.
She has no cherry but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.

Here's to the girl dressed in black,
She's dressed so fine, there's nothing to slack.
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet,
She makes things stand, that have no feet.

Here's to an hour of sweet repose,
Turn to tummy and toes to toes,
Then after an hour of such delight,
It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night.

Now that I'm old and feeble,
And pilot light is out;
What used to be my sex appeal is now my waterspout.

I used to be embarrassed to make the thing behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
But now I'm getting old and it gives me the blues,
To have the thing hang down and watch me tie my shoes.

God made little boys, made them out of string,
He had a little left, made a little thing.
God made little girls, made them out of lace,
He ran a little short, and left a little space.

Thank You God"


:grngrin: :tup:

[tenebra_uk]

It's gonna take me some time to match that...unless I go with my own stuff but I'm waiting for the copyright...cannot release it or I'll get killed :grntngue:

[Minos]

I don't usually like poetry – I can never seem to follow it unless it's virtually prose.

However this example has its merits... :tup:

..it's a lot funnier than Thomas Gray's Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard, for example. I never could see the humour in that one. :wierdblu:

Thinking about it, that's probably why I failed my English Literature Ordinary Level exam...

[Diablo]

Well...that might be the reason why you failed ! :grngrin:


Hey TEnny...is that poem something of you?...what you wrote? :grntngue:

[SoiledWig]

i think that poem used to be Alcoholics' Anonymous' mantra but it was too long for most recovering drunks to remember, so now they use that "wisdom to tell the difference" thingy.

i don't read a heck of a lot of poetry but there are some poets here and there i find myself coming back to: e.e. cummings, Gertrude Stein (progenitor of cubist(!) poetry), William Blake and T.S. Eliot.

i've been known to pen a few limericks and haiku, myself. i've also written a sonnet devoted to spoilt meat. i'm hesitant to broadcast them on a public forum, however.

[Warspite]

You know, I am seriously concerned that there is a concerted effort from somebody to raise the tone around here...it is very unnerving :eekblue:

[SoiledWig]

So far, i think the tone-raising has been quite successful. It's not a real stretch around here, actually. Most folks seem to have a pretty good head on his shoulders. Other forums, however...

let's just leave it at the fact some folks at these other places would pin you an elitist if you go so far as to use decent grammar, spelling or any punctuation at all. That is, if they know what the word "elitist" is in the first place.

Just take a look at the U.S. AITD forum, for example (or don't, actually). If i didn't know any better, i'd swear i was witness to an epidemic of broken keyboards.

Despite threads such as these, i'm sure there will always be something for everyone here.

[Diablo]

Originally posted by Warspite
You know, I am seriously concerned that there is a concerted effort from somebody to raise the tone around here...it is very unnerving :eekblue:

HUH? You hate poems ? Well...to be honest ..I didn´t expect something else of you....

[tenebra_uk]

Originally posted by Diablo
Hey TEnny...is that poem something of you?...what you wrote? :grntngue:

I was actually thinking of the PatRat lyrics :grntngue: As you know, it's being recorded now so I can't make it public until it's been registered or my friend will most certainly kill me :rollani:

[Diablo]

Hey...remember sending it to me on my birthday ! :grngrin: :tup:

[tenebra_uk]

If it's ready... ;)

[Diablo]

Then go and move your sexy butt and get it ready ! :grngrin:

[tenebra_uk]

I've done my bit - maybe I'll draw the cover but I've got nothing to do with the recording :p

[Diablo]

Draw something for me then Tenny ! Please ! :grngrin:

[tenebra_uk]

Ok, I'll draw a sexy PatRat for you :grntngue:

[Whitewolf]

A sexy PatRat?
What's THAT?!

[Diablo]

Originally posted by tenebra
Ok, I'll draw a sexy PatRat for you :grntngue: And some nice pics of you ! :grngrin: :yum: :tup:

[Warspite]

I have no idea what a Patrat is, but due to years of consumerist conditioning, I want one... :mad:

There are only 5 poets - all the others just write flowery verse -

1)Homer
2)Virgil
3)William Blake
4)Wilfred Owen


The fifth is of course -

John Hegley

Relaxing with Taxidermy

When their chihuahua got stuffed
they were really chuffed,
no need to feed her
or walkies on a lead her
no more poop to scoop
and doesn't she look smashing on the mantle piece?
She'll always look at the camera now.
I don't know why we bothered having her alive at all.


This poem is from Five Sugars Please

[Diablo]

1.) Homer...Simpson? :grngrin:

[Minos]

Originally posted by Diablo
1.) Homer...Simpson? :grngrin: There's always one... :confblue:

Diablo: our expert on lowering the tone.

Mind you, I'm not so bad at it myself... :grntngue:

[tenebra_uk]

Sorry, I wanted to post a picture of the one and only PatRat but the file appears to be too big :rollani:

[Diablo]

send it to me again...I make it smaller... :grngrin:

[tenebra_uk]

You mean you've deleted it?? :eekblue: Such a masterpiece ended in your bin?? :blush:

[Diablo]

NO !!!! NEVER ! I just put it somewhere..it would take me hours to find..... :bigeye:

[Warspite]

Now I've seen your PatRat, I may be able to resist the urge to want one, despite years of consumerist conditioning... :bigeye:

[Diablo]

Hey Tenny....now we need the original as a comparison ! ;)

[tenebra_uk]

Even if I actually have no respect for the person in question, I must decline your invitation, Di...not because I can't be that nasty, only 'cos I fear that most members would stop visiting the forum :p

Warspite, I can send you the original if you want...in flesh and blood :grngrin: :dark:

[Whitewolf]

lol.
Who drew that?
(no offense)

[Diablo]

YES !!!! HE WANT IT ! HE LOVES HAVING NIGHTMARES ! :dark:

[tenebra_uk]

Originally posted by Whitewolf
lol.
Who drew that?
(no offense)

The problem was the model :grntngue:

[Diablo]

I give you a hint Whitey....the person starts with "T" and ends with "enebra"....very difficult, I know... :bigeye:

[Whitewolf]

lol.
Well,I can't even draw,so in any case,she's better than me.

[Diablo]

Well...yes...she is very talented with her small hands...very gentle... :grntngue: ;)

[WingCommander]

Originally posted by Diablo
Well...yes...she is very talented with her small hands...very gentle... :grntngue: ;)

:eekblue:

[Diablo]

Ha ! I know what I am talking about... ;)

[WingCommander]

Originally posted by Diablo
Ha ! I know what I am talking about... ;)
That is what scares me... :eekblue:

[Diablo]

hmm.... :yum: Tenny´s soft hands....hmm.. :yum:

[Minos]

Ah, yes, smearing on the honey... :yum:


...it was the being staked out on the ant hill afterwards that wasn't so much fun... :eekblue:

[Diablo]

...you and your ants... :confblue:

[tenebra_uk]

Now it's my hands... :rollani:

Yes, they're long and thin with damn good claws :grntngue:

[Minos]

Steady now! You'll only excite him more! :eekblue:

[tenebra_uk]

He's got a picture of my hands :lolblue: Actually it was a picture of the late Gordon the hamster (bless him :cry: ) but all Di seemed to notice was my hand...don't ask me why I sent Di a picture of my hamster... :bigeye:

[WingCommander]

Originally posted by tenebra
Now it's my hands... :rollani:

Yes, they're long and thin with damn good claws :grntngue:

err.... claws? :eekblue:

[Diablo]

Originally posted by tenebra
He's got a picture of my hands :lolblue: Actually it was a picture of the late Gordon the hamster (bless him :cry: ) but all Di seemed to notice was my hand...don't ask me why I sent Di a picture of my hamster... :bigeye:

..cause you love me ! :grngrin: :grntngue: :tup: :D

[SoiledWig]

So, uh, i'm a little confused. Did someone write a poem about hamsters?

[tenebra_uk]

No...rats :grntngue:

[Diablo]

..PATRATS ! :grngrin: :tup:

[Warspite]

The king of Modern English Letters - John Hegley

"Poem about not using tropical hardwoods
because it diminishes the rain forests "

this winter
I hope you get a splinter
if you make a toboggan
and it is a mahog'un


The Price of Art in Luton

On the bridge approaching the railway,
the man was begging.
I said draw me a dog
and I'll give you a quid.
So I gave him some paper
and he did.
And I said, there you go, mate,
you can make money out of art!
Will you sign it?
As I handed him the one pound thirty-odd
I had in my pocket,
he informed me that the signed ones were a fiver.

[SoiledWig]

Oh, that's right, we were discussing satire.

My feet hurt.

[Whitewolf]

lol.
You know,I'm just as confused as WingCommander.What claws,tenebra?

[Diablo]

HEr NAILS !!!!! LONG LIKE HELL ...as long and dangerous as these here....http://www.5ilver.net/freddy/nightmare.gif

[Whitewolf]

YIKES!
*hides under the couch*

[Diablo]

Hey...why so scared...

Are you afraid of Tenebra now?...gosh...no need to ! We just need scissors... :grngrin:

[tenebra_uk]

Don't you dare :wierdblu: Stay away from my claws or I'll use them on you :dark:

[Diablo]

Hey ! I love fetish ! I will surely come closer ! :yum:

[tenebra_uk]

How come that every time I try to be dark with you, Di, you take it as a sexual invitation? :wierdblu: :grntngue:

[Diablo]

..cause I love dark and dirty sex...that´s all ! :grngrin: :tup:

[tenebra_uk]

You're asking for trouble :dark: :grntngue:

[Diablo]

YES ! HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME ! :bounce:

[tenebra_uk]

Hands on the washing machine, darling :dark: :angel:

[Diablo]

on the washing machine? wow ! I knew you would prefer strange places for this... :grngrin:

[tenebra_uk]

If you prefer you can put your hands on the wall :grntngue:

[2potscreama]

While put my hands over my face...

Good grief.

[Diablo]

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS !!!! TAKE ME ON THE WALL !!!! :yum:

[tenebra_uk]

Holy slippers! :rollani: I could even talk about profit & loss and you would still get horny, wouldn't you? :bigeye:

[Diablo]

hmm...."event marketing"..."direct mailing"....hmmm... :yum:

[Warspite]

How about British food stuffs?
Surely enough to dampen a demons ardour :D

Rice Pudding
Baked Beans
Blancmange
Custard Pie
Cod and chips....

Jeez - it's a wonder there are any babies born on this island at all! :eek:

[Diablo]

hmm...pudding.... :yum:

Baby´s born in the Uk ? I thought you would buy them somehow from the continent...ah ! Now that is something new ! :eek:

[Warspite]

Buy babies from the continent?

What do you think the SAS is for? Do you honestly think the British would ever pay for anything that they could rob for free :rollani:

[Diablo]

WHAT ? :eek: YOU ROB BABIES !? :wierdblu:

[tenebra_uk]

Originally posted by Warspite
Buy babies from the continent?

What do you think the SAS is for? Do you honestly think the British would ever pay for anything that they could rob for free :rollani:

So the "no sex we're British" still applies, uh? :lolblue:

[Diablo]

hmm..*looks at Minos again*.... YEP ! :grngrin:

[Whitewolf]

lol.
Diablo has an abnormal....I dunno....hermone surge times?

[tenebra_uk]

I think it could be used for lab tests :lolblue: Di, you're sure you've never been experimenting funny pharmaceutical products? :grntngue:

[Diablo]

HUH? I am not abnormal ! I am German ! :bigeye:

[Whitewolf]

Heh,well,it's okay to have those thoughts sometimes,but not all the time.lol

[Diablo]

I have them all the time... :wierdblu:

[Minos]

Originally posted by tenebra
I think it could be used for lab tests :lolblue: Di, you're sure you've never been experimenting funny pharmaceutical products? :grntngue: Well, he wouldn't know, would he? They would hardly tell him... :wierdblu:

...just look out for signs of strange sexual behaviour in him... :rollani:

[Whitewolf]

Erm,isn't his behaviour odd already? :D

[Diablo]

Originally posted by Minos
...just look out for signs of strange sexual behaviour in him... :rollani:


hmm...hard to see... :wierdblu:

[tenebra_uk]

We've had over a year worth of those signs, do you need more? :eekblue:

[Diablo]

hey... I always behaved ! I am a nice cute guy! :bounce:

[Whitewolf]

He really needs help.lol

[Minos]

No! If he's the subject of a weird medical experiment we should destroy him!

Remember Resident Evil! I bet if he sent in a recent photo he'd be all green with bits dropping off...

[Whitewolf]

lol.
And his bones would be showing.

[2potscreama]

Originally posted by Diablo
HUH? I am not abnormal ! I am German ! :bigeye:

Yep, that just about covers it...

[Diablo]

You mean this pic? Me and my best friend at a school party....

http://www.undeadmovie.com/images/zombies%20sit%20up.jpg

[Minos]

I knew it! :eekblue: What more proof could you want?

Now where's my Resident Evil shotgun? The World must be saved from this terrible creature! :wierdblu:

[Warspite]

I like to try using just a pistol for a bit of a challenge - even large groups can be "neutralised" if you shoot all their kneecaps first - you can always limp away faster than they can crawl after you :devil:

[2potscreama]

stamp on his head, stamp on his head...

[Diablo]

What stamp? :bigeye: