RJFarmer
26-05-2005, 17:43
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurt, everything else felt great.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even on the right track you'll surely get run over if you just sit there.
An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist knows it.
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first." - Benjamin Franklin
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I *am* in shape--Round.
Practice safe eating -- use a condiment.
I'm a kleptomanic. What can I take for it?
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it -- we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9-P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming.
SLOGANS FOR WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS
So many men, so few who can afford me.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
Seen it all, done it all, heard it all...just can't remember it all.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody...and you're next.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
++++
PIZZA TIP
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
COMPUTER TALK LAUGHS
Press -- to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE==FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS==OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer ?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Harrisons Ford and Gene Wilder. Yep, a comedy. Gene Wilder takes his most unusual role, a naive 19th-century rabbi sent from his native Poland to the fledgling Jewish community in San Francisco, in this warm-hearted comic adventure. The trusting soul is easy prey for the con men and criminals who prey on the immigrants arriving in the Philadelphia port and the rabbi, beaten but unbowed, continues his trek West solo: broke, underequipped, and hopelessly lost. Harrison Ford, fresh from Star Wars, is the roguish outlaw who adopts the determined traveler and the two become unlikely friends as they make their way through one scrape after another. Wilder makes a sincere and sympathetic hero, his faith and courage seeing him through one crisis after another, and fresh-faced Ford makes an endearing scamp of a bank robber.
T-SHIRT COMEDY SAYINGS
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Do witches run spell checkers?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor. Two New Yorkers, with no jobs and no prospects, decide to flee the city and find work elsewhere. But when they're mistaken for bank robbers, they don't have to worry about employment -- they're sent to prison! Soon our heroes are trying to make the best of a bad situation -- because with 120 year sentences, it sure doesn't look as though they're getting out anytime soon.
Chicken Poop for the Soul : Stories to Harden the Heart and Dampen the Spirit : A Parody. David Fisher / Paperback / Published 1997
The Child Within Has Been Awakened but the Old Lady on the Outside Just Collapsed (A Cathy Collection) by Cathy Guisewite / Paperback / Published 1994
Conscience is what hurt, everything else felt great.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even on the right track you'll surely get run over if you just sit there.
An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist knows it.
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first." - Benjamin Franklin
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I *am* in shape--Round.
Practice safe eating -- use a condiment.
I'm a kleptomanic. What can I take for it?
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it -- we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9-P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming.
SLOGANS FOR WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS
So many men, so few who can afford me.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
Seen it all, done it all, heard it all...just can't remember it all.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody...and you're next.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
++++
PIZZA TIP
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
COMPUTER TALK LAUGHS
Press -- to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE==FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS==OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer ?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Harrisons Ford and Gene Wilder. Yep, a comedy. Gene Wilder takes his most unusual role, a naive 19th-century rabbi sent from his native Poland to the fledgling Jewish community in San Francisco, in this warm-hearted comic adventure. The trusting soul is easy prey for the con men and criminals who prey on the immigrants arriving in the Philadelphia port and the rabbi, beaten but unbowed, continues his trek West solo: broke, underequipped, and hopelessly lost. Harrison Ford, fresh from Star Wars, is the roguish outlaw who adopts the determined traveler and the two become unlikely friends as they make their way through one scrape after another. Wilder makes a sincere and sympathetic hero, his faith and courage seeing him through one crisis after another, and fresh-faced Ford makes an endearing scamp of a bank robber.
T-SHIRT COMEDY SAYINGS
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Do witches run spell checkers?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor. Two New Yorkers, with no jobs and no prospects, decide to flee the city and find work elsewhere. But when they're mistaken for bank robbers, they don't have to worry about employment -- they're sent to prison! Soon our heroes are trying to make the best of a bad situation -- because with 120 year sentences, it sure doesn't look as though they're getting out anytime soon.
Chicken Poop for the Soul : Stories to Harden the Heart and Dampen the Spirit : A Parody. David Fisher / Paperback / Published 1997
The Child Within Has Been Awakened but the Old Lady on the Outside Just Collapsed (A Cathy Collection) by Cathy Guisewite / Paperback / Published 1994